sometimes, it is not in the the behaviors.
it’s in the emotions – which may not be seen.
many have the misconception that trauma has to a certain way, usually big and impacting people in a way that’s loud and obvious.
but here’s how PTSD show up in a relatively normal and “daily” situation. (it isnt exact “daily” but it definitely not loud and obvious like a meltdown or phobia etc)
“Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a disorder that develops in some people who have experienced a shocking, scary, or dangerous event.”
backstory: last year, heihei had a foreign object incident where he puked for almost 12 hrs and was rejecting food cos everything that went in, came out almost immediately. it also took two vet visits to actually diagnose it. we decided on surgery immediately although the vet gave an option that we could wait and see if he can pass it out. after that we were told we were lucky we chose surgery cos the area was very inflamed and if it had caused a rupture, it would have led to death.
last week heihei had a diarrhea episode. then two days ago, he puked his food out. when i held him, i had flashback of those times he vomit the entire night and day cos of that obstruction.
i was slightly heightened yesterday, but he only showed some symptoms which are really minor and can be just any indigestion issue.
today he regurgitated a couple of times and also puked. i had flashback again. and this time, i squat by his vomit and studied it – looking out for blood, how fresh the food is, etc.
it was lunch time so clinics were closed. i waited for lunch time to be over and i rang the clinic up to see if we could head over. i made a total of more than 10 calls over a period of 40 mins. i also rang up two other clinics while trying to reach them. all clinics were full and i only managed to get slot for evening which i quickly accepted (while still trying to reach the usual vet)
with each attempt, i got more pissed. i was not thinking straight cos i would normally check social media for announcements if i couldnt reach a business after 2 tries. and when i finally went to check, i found out they were close today for company function.
when we arrived at the other clinic for the slot that i booked, the nurse said she will bring him in for a check and i started questioning what check she will be doing and requested for certain check (from the past experience).
when we saw the vet, i was also questioning certain things (since i know some things to look out for) which he joked and said im very experienced.
in the end, it’s a scare and i think the vet see that we/i am very anxious and maybe took pity so he perform something that he initially said he will do if this dont resolve in 24-48 hrs. (just in case you get worried. heihei is fine. he did had some food stuck which is causing indigestion of sort. that’s about it.)
as we were paying, i joked to H saying let’s go after we take the meds and leave heihei here. and i did exactly that! as i was about to walk through the clinic door, H asked where’s heihei.
after confirming it’s a scare, i felt like my system crashed. like it was on over run worrying about history repeating and all.. and when it was not, the relief caused a crash and everything suddenly stopped.
i dont know how i drove us all home. it’s a bad idea to volunteer to drive. came home, ate comfort cup noodle though i was not hungry, had a beer and now writing this in bed with heihei cos H has an early morning and i somehow still worry that heihei might have some episodes throughout the night.
behavioral wise, it may seem like that incident taught me about the symptoms of foreign body obstruction and i learnt to check the symptoms.
but emotionally, it definitely didnt felt just like that. i wasn’t thinking straight, i was irritable, anxious and restless.. reliving the incident last year about how we had to leave him at the hospital, visit him daily, that wound on his belly..
writing helps me to process what had happened and now i will go release the emotions.